Beautiful Oblivion

[Gibbs]

Warning! This is a tearjerker character death story! There is no pairing, just plenty of Gibbs introspect!

Disclaimer: I swear on Tony's libido I do not own NCIS!

Chapter 1: The Sacrament

I stood there, staring him straight in the eyes, my gun drawn.

"Put the gun down, McLeod," I instructed.

He looked right back at me, and then glanced over at his hostage. He spun around and pointed the gun at her. Kate shifted uneasily on my right while Tony took aim on my left. I couldn't see McGee from where I stood, but I knew he was panicking. I knew because I myself had panicked during my first hostage situation in the field.

"Come any closer and I'll shoot her!" McLeod shouted.

"You don't want to do that, McLeod," I said calmly.

"No? How do you know I don't, huh? You psychic or something, agent Gibbs?!" McLeod snarled.

I shook my head. At my movement he turned and pointed his gun at me.

"Come on. If you put the gun down now and come quietly, you'll get off a lot easier than you would if you killed me." I negotiated.

"No! If I put my gun down, you'll shoot me!" McLeod shrieked.

"I won't shoot you, I swear. If I put my gun down, will you?" I inquired.

McLeod seemed to think it over before slowly nodding his head. I nodded in response and pointed my gun down. He began to lower his weapon, but instead he turned and fired twice at Kate. She screamed and I saw the look of pain flood her features before she fell to the ground from two shots to the chest. I felt like everything was happening in slow motion. I didn't even get a chance to raise my gun before another set of shots rang out in the abandoned warehouse. A bullet grazed my arm, but I felt nothing. McGee and Tony had fired at staff sergeant McLeod. He collapsed soundlessly and blood poured from an entrance wound right between his eyes. I dropped to the ground and knelt next to Kate's limp body. Was she dead? I quickly turned her over to face me and felt for a pulse. It was weak, but at least she was alive. Tony appeared beside me while McGee went over to McLeod. He placed two fingers on the still man’s neck.

"He's dead," McGee announced.

At that same moment I heard a strangled sob and remembered the hostage. I stood and walked over to her.

"McGee, DiNozzo, you get the medics, get Kate out of here and call Ducky. Have him meet us at the hospital. Make sure they take her to Bethesda," I ordered.

The two of them nodded and Tony knelt by Kate as McGee ran out to notify the paramedics. Tony gathered her into his arms and whispered affirmations. I felt a sudden and unexpected pang of jealousy. I shook it off and got back to the situation. I focused my gaze on the hostage and began to untie the ropes binding her to the chair.

"Captain Abigail Elliot? I'm special agent Jethro Gibbs with NCIS. Are you alright?" I inquired.

"I'm okay. What about the other agent, the one who was shot? Will she be alright?" Captain Elliot asked shakily.

"I don't know yet, but the medics are taking good care of her," I said, indicating the chaos behind me.

"Poor dear," She replied.

"Don't worry about her. Agent Todd is a fighter. Let's get you out of here," I suggested.

She nodded and stood up. I put a comforting arm around her shoulders as we walked out of the building. Once we got outside I handed her over to the waiting detectives and rushed over to Tony and McGee. I stopped just in time to watch the ambulance carrying Kate pull away.

"How is she?" I queried.

"Alive." Tony deadpanned.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, DiNozzo?!" I snapped.

"They almost lost her. She's in pretty bad shape," McGee offered by way of explanation.

"God d**n it!" I growled.

"They're on their way to Bethesda Naval Hospital. I've called Ducky and he’ll meet us there in twenty minutes." Tony said.

"Good, let's go," I replied.

We piled into the car and I was driving on autopilot. It was all my fault. If I hadn’t been so stupid! I could have been smarter, better, faster. I could have saved her. If only I had followed protocol and not dropped my gun!

d**n it, Gibbs! You've been a field agent long enough to know to stay on guard!

The entire drive was made in silence. Once we arrived at Bethesda, I jumped out of the car and sprinted all the way to the casualty ward. I stopped at the admittance desk and hailed a nurse.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"I'm looking for a patient. NCIS special agent Caitlin Todd. She was brought in by a civilian ambulance with two gunshots to the chest," I explained.

"Jethro!" Someone shouted.

I turned around and saw Ducky rushing down the hall toward me.

"Ducky! How is she?" I inquired.

I didn't know whether I wanted to know or not. It made me sick to think that she might be dead.

"Not good. She has massive internal injuries and she's lost a lot of blood. They've just taken her up to surgery. Come on, we can wait in the lounge upstairs." Ducky suggested.

I nodded numbly. If she died it would be all my fault. Tony, McGee and I followed Ducky up to the surgical ward. We waited in the lounge for nearly five hours. The whole time I was mentally kicking myself for breaking protocol. If I hadn't then Kate wouldn't have been shot. I should have been the one in the path of those bullets. What kind of sick bastard would shoot a woman?! I don’t know what I'd do if she died. I might die, too. She would die and I would never get the chance to say goodbye. I would never be able to tell her I loved her. I was in shock by the time the surgeon showed up.

"How is she?" I asked apprehensively.

"She's still critical, but slowly stabilizing. The next twenty four hours will be difficult, but if she makes it she should be in the clear. We had to put her aorta back together as well as her pericardium, diaphragm, and left lung. She’ll be sore because we had to put in a few chest tubes and a tube to help her breathe. You can go see her in recovery one at a time. It'll be a few hours before she comes around. We’ve got her in a drug-induced coma for now. The Phenobarbital therapy will help her body slow down and stabilize faster," The surgeon explained.

"Thank you, Dr. Murphy," I whispered.

The doctor nodded politely and left the room. I turned to the rest of the team and sighed. I also thanked God for saving her.

"You can head back, I'll stay with her. I'll call you if anything changes," I said.

"You gonna be okay, boss?" Tony asked.

"I'll be fine," I said firmly.

Tony nodded and the three of them left. I braced myself and walked to Kate's room. The first thing I noticed when I entered the room was how frail she looked beneath all the tubing. I walked over to her and sat in the chair next to her bed. I took her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Hi Katie, it's Jethro. Listen, I want you to know that I'm sorry for this, for what's happened. It's all my fault. If only I had followed protocol. It should be my laying there, not you. Please be strong, fight this. Stay with me, Kate. I need you here. I love you," I said softly.

She lay there, motionless and angelic. I brought her hand up and caressed it against my cheek for a while before lightly kissing her delicate knuckles. With my free hand I brushed her hair away from her face. She was cold and deathly pale. I sat there and just watched her sleep for what must have been at least an hour. I was snapped out of my trance when I suddenly heard the door open and click shut again.

"Ducky! What are you still doing here?" I inquired confusedly.

"I came to check on you and Caitlin," He replied simply.

I nodded and looked back down at Kate. Ducky stood over us and I could feel his eyes searching my face for some sign of life, of emotion. I bit my tongue to keep from letting on to just how much this was affecting me. After a few more seconds I heard Ducky sigh in resignation and leave the room. I couldn't face anyone at the moment. I couldn’t be weak in public.

"Come on, Katie, wake up for me. Let me know you're okay," I whispered.

I could have sworn I felt Kate's grip on my hand tighten for a brief moment, but I passed it for the wishful thinking of a guilty soul. My mind was playing tricks on me. The second time, however, I couldn't deny that she had squeezed my hand. I squeezed back gently and leaned in over her. Her eyes shut tighter for a second before fluttering open. I released a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. All I could do for a few seconds was smile. Tears of joy stung my eyes, threatening to fall, but I blinked them away. A confused expression creased her face and I sighed with relief. She was okay.

"Welcome back, Katie. You're at Bethesda Naval Hospital. You were shot twice in the chest and the doctors had to operate. The next day or so will be hard, but after that you’ll be in the clear," I explained.

Kate nodded and smiled weakly around the breathing tube. She let go of my hand and motioned for a pen and paper. I grabbed a pen and notepad from the bedside table, handing them to her. I watched her intently as she wrote.

"Apology accepted," She had written.

"You heard me?" I inquired.

She nodded slowly.

"Then I guess you also heard that I love you, Kate," I said lightly, stroking her cheek.

She blinked in response and scrawled something untidily on the notepad.

"I love you, too, Gibbs," It wrote. "But what about rule twelve?"

"I only said that because I didn't want to see you with Tony. I was jealous, Kate. I used rule twelve as a shield, to keep you away. I didn’t think I could stand to be hurt again, and moreover, I didn’t want to hurt you," I admitted.

She didn't have to say anything. I could hear her soft, phantom thought echo in my mind.

"Oh, Gibbs…" It breathed.

I sighed deeply and watched Kate as she drifted off to sleep again. She looked so peaceful that I couldn’t find it in me to disturb her. A few minutes went by and the door to the room opened. Ducky strode in once again. This time he walked over and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Yes, Dr. Mallard?" I asked.

"Jethro, you should go home and get some rest. I'll sit with Caitlin while you're gone," Ducky suggested.

"I'm fine. You should get some rest, too," I countered.

"I have. You've been here, sitting, keeping silent vigil over our agent Todd for six hours since I last checked on you. Has she come around yet?" Ducky queried.

I couldn't believe that so much time had actually passed until I glanced at my own watch.

"Jethro?" Ducky asked uncertainly.

"What? Oh, yeah. She woke up a little while ago. Will you stay with her while I go get some coffee?" I inquired.

"Of course, take your time," Ducky said.

I nodded and stood up. Ducky took my spot as I walked out of the room. As I made my way to the cafeteria I couldn’t help but wonder how Kate really felt. I prayed that she would recover uneventfully, for both our sakes. I grabbed my coffee and made my way back to Kate’s room. As I got closer to the recovery ward, I felt a little apprehensive. Now that she knew I loved her, the game was on. How would it affect our friendship, our professional lives? I was left with little time to ponder when I found myself at the door to her room. I entered and almost jumped when I heard Kate's voice.

"Nice to see you again, Gibbs," She said.

"Kate!" I exclaimed.

I walked over to her and smiled. Ducky had removed the breathing tube. The sight and knowledge that her condition was improving was a godsend. Ducky stood and moved to leave the room. He stopped at the door and acknowledged us with a final nod before exiting. I took my place in the chair next to Kate’s bed and took her hand again. She gave my hand a quick squeeze. The simple gesture brought tears of joy to my eyes. I couldn't cry, I wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Kate. I was simply ecstatic that Kate was getting better. A few seconds passed before Kate broke the companionable silence we had settled into.

"What's on your mind?" Kate asked hoarsely.

"I'm just glad you're okay, Katie," I replied, nearly choking on the affection.

"Don’t go getting all sentimental on me, Gibbs," Kate warned jokingly.

"Don't count on it," I replied sarcastically.

"How's Captain Elliot?" Kate inquired.

I was struck by her concern. This was as paradoxical a question as I could have expected. The woman had just been shot and she was concerned about someone else before herself!

"She's fine, if not a little shaken," I answered.

"How about staff sergeant McLeod?" Kate queried.

I was wrong. This was definitely a question that belonged at the extreme end of the paradoxical continuum. I shook off my shock at the question and sighed.

"He's dead. You know that I've trained Tony and McGee to shoot to kill. They responded before you even hit the ground, without hesitation. Nobody messes with my team and gets away with it," I said emphatically.

"Two wrongs don't make a right, Gibbs," Kate said flatly.

"Yeah, but at least I feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing there's one less homicidal maniac on the loose out there," I replied dryly.

"That was the most tasteless joke I've ever heard. I can't see you as being capable of feeling quote warm and fuzzy, inside or otherwise," Kate laughed.

I raised my eyebrows disbelievingly but I knew she was right. I didn’t do fuzzy and I made it well known. Suddenly I felt exhausted. The stress of the past day's events had finally caught up with me. My eyes drifted shut and I yawned. When I opened my eyes again Kate looked at me sympathetically.

"Go home and get some rest, Gibbs. I'm okay now. I'll be here when you get back," Kate said softly.

"I'm fine," I lied unconvincingly.

"Go. You need to get some rest, too. I'll be fine. Really," Kate urged.

I sighed and realized she was right. She was a grown woman, after all, and she hardly needed my protection. Besides, I was useless when I was tired.

"Okay, I'll be back in a few hours," I finally agreed.

I stood up to leave but Kate tugged my arm and pulled me closer to her. I looked into her eyes and saw the desire burning in them. I closed my eyes and leaned in, my lips meeting Kate's. The first thing I felt were the prickles of heat emanating from Kate's soft and supple lips. Delicate as rose petals, her lips fluttered against mine. I could taste the vulnerability on them. I felt like I was choking when we pulled apart, gasping for breath. It was the most passionate moment of my life. Kate smiled contagiously, seductively, and I felt a smile tug at my own lips. I struggled to rein in my emotions and almost choked on my words.

"I'll see you later, Katie," I whispered.

"Yeah…" Kate sighed.

I smiled and ran my hand over her cheek one last time before forcing myself out the door. Out in the hall I let out a contented sigh and walked away from Kate's room. I walked headlong into someone on my way around the corner.

"Watch it!" I snapped.

"Sorry, boss," Tony replied.

"Where are you headed?" I inquired.

"Up to see Kate, you?" Tony countered.

"Home. While I'm gone I don't want her to be alone, so stay with her, DiNozzo. Got it?" I snarled warningly.

"Sure thing, boss," Tony assented.

"Just make sure she gets some rest. I'll be back in a few hours," I ordered.

"Okay," Tony said exasperatedly.

I nodded briskly and strode away. I swore I'd kill him if he laid a hand on her, or even so much as thought about it, for that matter. I made it home but found I couldn't sleep. I worked on the boat for a while before finally collapsing into bed, happy knowing that I'd be seeing Kate again in a few short hours.

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Hello everyone! So this is the first chapter of my first NCIS story ever! Tell me what you think!

~Jules~

[Gibbs]

Here comes the death... Tis sad...

Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own NCIS...

Chapter 2: When Love And Death Embrace

I awoke with a start.

The wind had picked up and a tree branch was hitting the bedroom window. It sounded like gunfire. Right away my mind jumped to Kate. I looked over at the clock on the bedside table. 3:42 am. The display cast an eerie green glow across the table, making me shudder. I rolled over onto my back and groaned, running a hand over my face. I hadn’t slept very long, but I knew I couldn't sleep any more even if I wanted to. I decided to do a few things around the house and then head back to see Kate.

My arm hurt as the shower water ran down over the sutures. The bastard missed me, yet somehow I didn't feel so lucky. A few inches over and I could have taken the bullet for Kate. I should have taken it. I got out of the shower, dressed, and ambled down to my study. My paperwork needed organizing. Desperately. I began to file everything accordingly, but I soon found that I couldn’t force myself to concentrate. My mind was on Kate, on us. I found myself asking what us? I knew the only way I would be able to think straight would be to reassure myself that Kate was alright. I decided to call Tony. I picked up the receiver and punched in his cell number. He answered on the third ring.

"Tony," he said.

"DiNozzo, it's Gibbs," I barked.

"Hey boss, what's up?" Tony inquired.

"How's Kate doing?" I asked.

"She's fine. Right now she's sleeping. Ducky gave her something for the pain and it knocked her right out," Tony explained.

"Alright. I'll be back there as soon as I've finished up here," I replied.

"Sure thing. Bye," Tony said.

I hung up and went about organizing again. I finished quickly, made coffee and left for Bethesda. The drive was a short one, but it seemed to take forever to reach the naval hospital. It dragged on even more thanks to the phone call from JAG about what happened in the warehouse. I didn't want to relive it all again so soon, so I scheduled an interview in person for the following afternoon. I reached the hospital, parked my car and jogged up to the intensive care unit. I turned the corner by the nurses' station and was hit with the sounds of shouting and monitors beeping. I ran to Kate's room and burst through the door, striding headlong into Tony. The shouting ceased and I looked at Ducky.

"Time of death, 09:45," Ducky announced.

"No!" I shouted in protest.

I stepped towards Kate but Tony held me back.

"She's gone, boss," He said lightly.

"She was doing fine when I called!" I yelled in outrage.

"She had an allergic reaction to one of the painkillers we gave her. She went into anaphylaxis and… I'm sorry, Jethro," Ducky sighed.

I closed my eyes and sighed. The room slowly emptied, nurses and doctors trickling out and taking their equipment with them. Ducky squeezed my shoulders reassuringly and left, too. Only Tony and I remained in the room with Kate's lifeless body. Tony let go of me and stood aside.

"I'm sorry, boss…" Tony apologized.

"It wasn't your fault," I growled.

It was mine, I thought.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Tony inquired.

"I'll be fine, thanks," I whispered.

Tony nodded and left the room. I walked over to Kate's bed and took hold of her hand. She looked so peaceful, like she was only sleeping. A single tear escaped my eye, flowed down my cheek and landed on my collar. More tears followed the first. I cried for Kate. For the first time in my life I was upset enough to cry. She lost her life because of me. I loved her. I still do, and always will. The guilt washed over my body, hitting me in tidal waves.

Kate was dead and it was all my fault.

I laid my head down against Kate's chest and let the tears flow. Kate was my reason for being so gruff. It was easier to hide behind the harsh exterior and pretend I didn't have feelings for her than it was to show the world that I was as caring as the next guy and open myself up to heartbreak. I cried for our love, which could never grow beyond what it had been a few hours earlier. I cried for a life lost so young. I cried for one of the best field agents I had ever seen.

I sat back against the chair and stared blankly at Kate's pale face. I would never see her smile again. I would never look into those gorgeous, glowing eyes again. I squeezed her hand and stood up. I placed one last kiss on her forehead and left the room.

I found Tony waiting outside the room with Ducky. McGee had also shown up since I had last been outside the room. Tears streaked all of their cheeks. Ducky looked at my sympathetically before stepping over and embracing me. It shocked me, but reassured me at the same time. He pulled away and looked me in the eyes.

"I'm sorry she's gone, Jethro. She was a great agent," Ducky said.

"She really was. You should all go in and see her for a little bit. I'm going back to NCIS. I'll see you later," I said monotonously.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" McGee inquired.

"I'll be fine. I'll see you later," I said flatly.

They nodded and I walked away. Nothing could stand in the way of love. Nothing but death, that is. It didn't matter to me. I loved her, even though I could never see her again. Never touch her, never joke around again. I realized she would only be gone if I let her be. Well, I wasn't about to let that happen.

I drove to NCIS in silence. I couldn't listen to the radio, knowing that Kate would never hear the music again. I quickly made a call to JAG and rescheduled the interview for a later date. It didn’t matter now. McLeod was dead. Kate was dead. What difference would an investigation make now?

When I reached NCIS I walked inside and rode the elevator up to the bullpen. I bumped headlong into Abby on my way out of the elevator. She looked at me with a slightly surprised expression.

"What's up, Gibbs? You look like death on a stick," she commented.

"I just came from the hospital…" I trailed off.

"You should have gotten some sleep. Nothing would have happened if you had left the hospital for a few hours," Abby admonished jokingly.

She obviously hadn’t heard about Kate. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. After a few seconds Abby took my silence as agreement and went on.

"So how's Kate doing?" She asked nonchalantly.

"She's… Abby, Kate passed away a couple of hours ago," I blurted out.

A momentary flash of shock passed over her face before she sighed apologetically.

"Oh, Gibbs, I'm so sorry. I didn’t know…" Abby apologized.

"It's not your fault," I whispered.

It's mine, I wanted to add.

"How did she…?" Abby trailed off.

"An allergic reaction to some pain meds," I deadpanned.

"At least she died peacefully then," Abby said comfortingly.

I nodded slightly and started walking towards my desk. Abby slowly turned on her heel and followed me. I knew she wasn’t going to let this go, but somehow, I was grateful. I didn't want to dwell on it alone at the moment. The maelstrom of regrets didn't seem to want to calm down. It dominated my thoughts. Abby sat in the chair opposite my desk and took my hands in hers. It was just what I needed. I was sitting there, bordering on catatonic, but Abby remained silent. I recall thinking she would have made a brilliant counselor. After a few minutes I looked up and met her inquisitive gaze.

"I loved her, Abby. I loved her and I never let myself admit it to her. I finally found the guts to do it and nothing can come of it anyway. I didn't tell her I loved her because I didn't want to get hurt, but it hurt more keeping it to myself. It turns out she loved me back, and we never got the chance to explore that love, and I think that's the most painful heartbreak of all," I said quietly.

"Oh, Gibbs. You still love her, don't you?" Abby asked earnestly.

"Of course I do," I said firmly.

"Well then, why are you heartbroken? She hasn't done anything to make you stop loving her, and she hasn't stopped loving you. She'll be there with you for as long as you love her, and I know that you always will," Abby said philosophically.

I thought her statement over for a minute before realizing she was right. I had known it all along, but I needed to hear it to reassure myself that Kate wasn’t gone unless I gave up on her. We sat there for another few minutes before Abby's cell phone rang. She picked up and I only caught one side of the conversation. Before she even finished I knew she had to go. She let go of my hands and stood up to leave.

"Sorry Gibbs, I have to run. Are you gonna be okay?" Abby inquired.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I’ll see you later," I replied.

"Bye," Abby said.

I watched her walk off toward the elevator and then glanced down at my hands. I realized that I would never get the chance to wear a wedding band. I would never get to look down after a long hard day and smile because I was going to spend the rest of my life with Kate. I couldn't sit around anymore, so I decided to go home. That way I could work on the boat and forget about life for a while.

On the way home I wondered whether Kate's family had been informed. She didn't have any next of kin as far as I knew, but if there was anyone then Ducky would take care of it. If he hadn't found anyone by the next day, then I decided I would take care of the funeral arrangements. At least I could give her a proper send off. It was all I could now that I hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye.

I got home and threw myself into working on the boat. The pain of manual labor was better than the emotional pain of brooding on Kate’s death. I knew I would have to face it sooner or later, but I knew that if I thought about it now I would be overwhelmed. I would let myself grieve after the funeral. After I had everything taken care of. I was snapped out of my reverie by the shrill cry of a telephone. I walked over to the desk and picked up the receiver.

"Gibbs," I said gruffly.

"Hey boss, it's Tony. I wanted to see how you were doing," The young agent said concernedly.

"I'm fine, thanks, Tony," I lied through my teeth.

I knew he wasn’t convinced, but to my benefit, he didn't pursue it.

"If you need anything, just call," Tony said lightly.

"Thanks, I will," I replied.

Lies. All lies.

"See you tomorrow," Tony said.

"Bye," I said flatly.

I hung up and realized that I had called him Tony instead of DiNozzo. I realized that I couldn’t be jealous of him anymore, because we weren't fighting for the approval of the same woman. Kate's death had complicated everything in my life. I would have to hide my feelings even more now that she was gone, but I wouldn't have to be a jerk to Tony anymore. It was confusing. I knew Tony was suffering, too. So were Ducky, McGee and Abby. I also knew that they knew I was suffering most of all. I tried to hide it, but that just made it more obvious. It was no use trying to hide from my emotions. They would just come back to haunt me with twice the force if I didn’t acknowledge them.

I took a hot shower and went to bed. I fell asleep before I had the chance to think a single thought. The stress was too much, and I used sleep as a retreat. I knew I would have to wake up eventually and face the day, but for now I was happy dreaming of Kate's bright smile and expressive eyes. I didn't have to remember that I would never see any of those things again while I slept, and in sleeping I was happiest.

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Please tell me what you think! Just FYI: This was written long before Twilight! This is from the middle of season one!

~Jules~

[Gibbs]

And the aftermath... The funeral.

Disclaimer: I pledge allegiance... oops, wrong oath! Um... I swear I don't own NCIS!

Chapter 3: Funeral Of Hearts

I woke up and reluctantly got out of bed. It was the day of Kate's funeral, and I had taken it upon myself to eulogize her. I missed her terribly, we all did. Thankfully, Ducky, Tony and McGee had been more than willing to be pallbearers alongside me. I showered and dressed quickly before making my way to NCIS. I was meeting the team there. We would mourn her as an agent and a friend publicly. I would mourn her as a lover privately.

I drove to NCIS reciting the eulogy in my head. There was so much that I wanted to say, to tell the world about the Kate that I had fallen so much in love with, but there wasn't nearly enough time in which to say it. I quickly arrived at HQ and realized that it was only 7:30 am. No one would be arriving until 10:00 am. I was just anxious to get through the funeral and get through the day. As I rode the elevator up to the offices I took a deep breath and swore I could still faintly smell Kate's delicate perfume mingling with the dusty elevator odor.

When I reached my floor I stepped off of the elevator into the bullpen. There was a soft white light peeking over the wall of Kate's cubicle. I thingyed the gun at my hip and edged toward the desk. When I reached the corner I heard quiet sobs echoing through the room. I stepped around the wall and found Abby sitting at Kate's desk with tears streaming down her cheeks. That’s when the loss really hit me for the first time. I knew I wasn't the only one who would miss her, but seeing Abby sitting there, crying, I realized that others shared in my pain and it added to the grief that I already felt.

I strode quietly into the cubicle and crouched down in front of Abby, tears threatening to fall from my own eyes. She jumped slightly when I put my hand on her shoulder, but quickly turned to face me and wrapped her arms around me. I held her there, whispering softly, trying to assure her that everything would be okay. Convincing myself was a whole other matter. After a few minutes Abby's flood of tears slowed to a persistent trickle and she pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Gibbs," Abby sobbed.

"Its okay, Abby," I replied.

"Thanks. I just came in this morning and realized that I can never chat with her again before you throw another case at me. That she can never share in my laughing at Tony for something again. I miss her, Gibbs," Abby said lightly.

"I do, too, but she would have wanted us to go on with our lives and be happy. It's hard, even for me, to ignore the pain of grief, but we have to stay strong and move past this together," I said reassuringly.

Abby nodded barely noticeably. I stepped closer and hugged her again, hoping the sentiment would make up for the difficulty of coping, at least for the moment. We separated and walked over to my desk. It sounds cheesy and cliché for me to say it, but we sat and remembered all the times we had with Kate, both good and bad. It was something that had to be done. If we didn’t remember then we couldn't heal. Shortly after, Tony arrived. He looked surprised to see us sitting there, and frankly, I was surprised to see him in early.

"Good morning, boss. Abby," Tony said quietly.

"Good morning. Come sit down," I invited.

I thought about Tony calling me boss and realized that it was now just an unnecessary reminder of my seniority over him. Without Kate around, I didn't have to flaunt my authority, because I didn’t have to protect her from him. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Looking over at Tony, I realized the tears shining in the young agent's eyes.

"How have you been, Tony?" I asked.

"As well as can be expected. I miss having Kate around to quarrel with. I miss all of the jokes, the sarcasm, just everything. It's gonna be hard going on without her," Tony admitted.

"Yeah, and the hardest thing is there's no easy way to say it. There's no way to describe how it's going to be without her. It scares me to admit that I drew on her strength for my own crazy power trips and that now that she's gone I don’t know what to do with myself," I said solemnly.

Tony and Abby stared at me open-mouthed. I know they didn’t expect what I had said. Hell, I hadn't expected it, but if I didn't get it out in the open I could never live with myself. Admitting it to them was the only way I could admit it to myself. I sighed and ran a hand over my face. I glanced at my watch. It was 9:30 am; the rest of the team would be arriving at any moment. The three of us sat in silence until Ducky and McGee showed up. I stood up to greet them when I heard them step off of the elevator. Ducky and I embraced and I saw the tears shining in the older man's eyes when I stepped back. McGee also looked like he had been crying. They missed Kate, too, but not nearly as much as I missed her. We stood around talking for a few more minutes before heading out to the funeral parlor. My heart raced as I realized that in a short while I would be up at the altar, eulogizing Kate. What would I say? Suddenly I forgot everything I wanted to say to the crowd. There wasn't one thing that I could say from memory; I knew I would have to get it out in a heartfelt but detached impromptu speech. I had to think clearly, otherwise I would end up saying more than I meant to. We arrived at the funeral parlor and stepped inside.

"This is it," Abby said quietly.

At that moment I regretted requesting an open casket service. I didn't know how I would react at seeing Kate laying there. When she had passed away at the hospital, she looked like she had been sleeping, I wondered if the same held true now. I felt a hand on my shoulder, urging me on. I didn’t even turn around to see who it was; it didn't matter. I was just grateful for their support. I walked into the room where Kate's coffin lay open in trepidation. The five of us walked down the aisle between the pews toward Kate's casket. As we approached the front I got my first look at Kate's still form. She still looked angelic, as if she was only asleep and would wake up any minute. It was heart wrenching to look at her knowing it was the last time I would be seeing her. We stood silently mourning our loss for a few minutes before taking our seats in the front of the room near the altar. The minister walked up and silenced the dully chattering crowd. I then realized that the room was full to capacity. Friends, some distant family that Ducky had managed to scare up, coworkers and even just passers by were gathered to say their goodbyes. I listened inattentively as the minister droned on.

"Are you ready, boss?" Tony asked.

I snapped out of my reverie and realized it was almost time for me to eulogize. Then we would get a final few moments to see Kate and they would close the lid on her for good. However, that didn’t mean they could close the lid on my feelings. The emotions I felt towards Kate couldn't be locked away and buried by something as simple as death. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes but I forced them back. I could cry later, privately, but right now I had to focus so I could get through this. It was my last rational thought before the minister waved me up to the podium. I felt like I had attempted to swallow a tennis ball and it was now sitting on top of my larynx. I cleared my throat and allowed my lips to form the words that would be Kate’s goodbye to the world.

"Most of what I’m going to say about Kate has probably crossed all of your minds at one point or another. She was the best field agent I have ever had the honor of working alongside. Special Agent Todd was determined, motivated and intelligent. However, there's more to this story than just Kate’s professional life. She was also a close friend. She found a way into my heart easily and kept me close when I pushed her away. I’ve never admitted it to anyone before, and I only admitted it to Kate at the last minute, but I loved her. She touched the heart of every person she met, and left a lasting impression. Now, all we have is the memories, the phantom feelings of warmth and happiness, of the aura of level headedness she always carried with her. We must mourn her, as a coworker, a sister, a daughter, a friend, but most importantly a saint. She will live on in us forever. God bless your soul, Kate," I said somberly.

On my way down from the altar, I took one last look at Kate's still form. The silhouette of her slender frame would follow me everywhere. I would see her out of the corner of my eye at work, in the back of my mind at home. I stopped at her casket and placed a kiss on her forehead. As I stood, a lone tear fell from my eye and landed on the creamy contour of her cheek. I brushed it away and went to take my seat. I felt numbed to the core. The minister returned to the altar and said a final blessing before Kate's casket was closed forever. Ducky, McGee, Tony and I readied ourselves to carry the weight of her death on our shoulders. I had asked them to be the pallbearers for Kate's funeral, and they readily agreed, much to my relief. The pain of loss sat heavily on my chest, almost suffocating me. I looked around at the others and saw the sadness in their eyes, too.

We carried the coffin from the church to the hearse, slowly dragging our feet, each step more difficult than the last. The procession to the cemetery was slow and mournful. Once we reached the cemetery, Tony, McGee, Ducky and I again carried the casket, only this time we carried it to its final resting place. We gathered around the grave and looked down at our feet. There was nothing to be said, yet so much to be expressed. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that was building in my throat, trying to remember the poem that would be Kate's sendoff. The minister again said a few quick words of blessing and I stepped up to the podium. I closed my eyes, picturing the words, forcing myself to say them aloud.

"Funeral Blues seems like the most appropriate title for the way I feel. This is my goodbye to Kate. It is the same poem that is printed on the tombstone. It's the best way for us to remember her," I said.

I cleared my throat again before speaking, my voice cracking with emotion.

"Funeral Blues, by W. H. Auden.

Stop the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let Airplanes circle moaning overhead,
Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead
Put crepe paper bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love could last forever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


Goodbye, Kate. Rest in peace," I finished.

Ducky gave me a reassuring pat on the back as I rejoined the group. Each and every person in the crowd was in tears. Tony held Abby close to him and whispered reassurances as sobs racked her body. This was going to affect us all differently for the next while. When the minister was finished blessing Kate for the journey into the afterlife everyone slowly cleared off. Only the five of us remained at the gravesite. We stood back and each of us had a chance to walk up and place our flowers on the grave, then say a few final words. I stayed behind, there was nothing left for me to say. There was just an unspoken covenant. The promise of eternal love and remembrance.

That day we all drove to our respective homes in silence. Knowing that I could never share the light of a sunrise, the warmth of a fire in the hearth, or even the chill of the frosty night air with Kate again made me want to detach myself from the world. I could so easily pull the plug, but I wouldn’t let myself. I had the rest of the team to support me to get through this, and they needed my support, too. The day passed slowly and I sat in the study, motionless, thinking. I soon decided that a few hours of sleep would suffice before I would return to the bullpen. At least when I slept I could be closer to Kate than my conscious mind would ever allow me to be. Maybe one day I would come to terms with Kate’s passing, but at that moment, that day was nowhere in sight.

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Who likes? More to come tomorrow... once I'm over my laziness and I put it all up here from my word documents! LOL!

~Jules~

[Gibbs]

Here it comes, more aftermath! I'll give a cookie to anyone who can tell me where the chapter titles come from!

Disclaimer: roses are red, violets are blue, I don't own NCIS and neither do you!

Chapter 4: Heartache Every Moment

I walked into the bullpen the Monday after Kate's funeral. It was still early in the morning. Rain was pouring from the grey clouds that hung low over the city outside. The weather betrayed my mood. I sat at my desk and flipped unseeingly through a few case files as I waited for someone else to show up. It was quite in the bullpen, which I was grateful for at the moment, but the bustling chaos of another day would be a welcome change from the sounds of my guilt ringing in my ears, the only sound I had heard for days. I glanced at my watch, 8:58 am. Staff would start arriving momentarily, grateful for the warming dryness of the indoors. I could see how the day would be off to a sluggish start with the torrent outside drowning any and all aspirations of accomplishment for the day. The silence in the bullpen was growing too loud, so I decided to go down to the morgue and check to see if Ducky had gotten in yet.

The elevator ride down to the basement was a slow one. The walls seemed to be closing in on me. I took a deep breath and sighed, waiting for the elevator doors to open. As I stepped off of the elevator into the morgue, I noticed the lights in the autopsy room were still off. Ducky wasn't in yet. I turned to head upstairs when I heard the elevator doors slide open again. I spun around and almost crashed into Ducky. He looked just as disheveled as I felt.

"Good morning, Jethro. Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?" He asked jokingly.

"Yeah, if you're a duck. No pun intended," I replied with false humor.

"Was there something in particular you needed this morning, agent Gibbs? You seem to have a bee in your bonnet," Ducky said pointedly.

"I wanted to ask you something about Kate," I said hoarsely.

It still hurt to talk about her. It probably always would.

"Of course, please, come into my office," Ducky suggested.

I nodded and followed the older man into a side room. I took a seat in the chair across from Ducky's desk and watched him hang his coat and bustle around the room for a moment before sitting down behind his desk. He leaned forward and looked at me sternly. I knew he was sizing me up, trying to pry slivers of information from my countenance. I closed the blinds and cleared my throat before speaking.

"Tell me again how Kate died," I said slowly.

Ducky laced his hands together and sighed.

"Anaphylaxis; an allergic reaction to the fentanyl, the pain medication we gave her," He said simply.

"What I don't understand is why you didn't check her medical records to be sure she wasn't allergic to any drugs before administering anything," I said harshly.

"Jethro, I assure you that I checked Caitlin's medical records extensively to ensure no such allergy, but she was never previously given fentanyl and it was the only medication that would quell the pain she felt from the chest tubes, so I administered the drug. The allergy is extremely rare, so I took that chance. We tried to save her but it was too late and the dosage was too high. I'm sorry, Jethro," Ducky explained.

"It's not your fault, Dr. Mallard. It could have happened to anyone," I said lightly.

I hadn't realized it had been an honest mistake. All this time I blamed Ducky. Hell, it was easier than blaming myself. I closed my eyes and allowed myself a moment of quiet mourning for Kate. It was nobody's fault and that just made it harder for me to accept. I sat still for a few more seconds before standing up to leave.

"Thanks, Duck. I just needed to be sure there was nothing that could have been done to save her. I'll see you later," I said solemnly.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Jethro," Ducky said sympathetically.

I nodded and left the office. As I stood in the elevator I could have sworn I wasn't alone. I felt like I could turn around at any time and see Kate walking up behind me carrying a case file or antagonizing Tony. I knew the whole story now, but somehow I still felt guilty and responsible for Kate's death. I figured I probably couldn't even begin to fathom how Ducky felt. He, however, was much better at hiding it. I reached my desk and sat down, rubbing a hand over my tired eyes. The sleep deprivation was really catching up with me. At that same moment I heard footsteps just outside of my cubicle. My head snapped up and I had almost convinced myself it was Kate before actually opening my eyes and meeting Tony's concerned gaze.

"You okay, boss?" Tony asked lightly.

“Yeah, I'm fine DiNozzo. What did you need?" I replied.

"Nothing, I just came to see if you were okay," Tony said simply.

I didn't know what to say. Seeing that Tony was capable of sympathy like this almost made me choke on more tears. I nodded slowly and smiled briefly.

"Get back to work, DiNozzo," I said mock-seriously.

"If you need me I'll be right over there," Tony said warmly.

I nodded and watched him as he stalked off back to his own desk. He was a good agent and, if given the chance, would probably be a great friend. However, no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't allow myself to open up to him. I was still licking the old wounds. He spent so much more time with Kate than I did and it was all because of me and my idiotic theories about personal lives interfering with professional ones. Rule twelve ruined my life.

Way to go, Gibbs, you've gone and dug yourself a shallow grave.

At least in a shallow grave I was closer to Kate than otherwise. No, I refused to think that way. I couldn't be so pessimistic. After all, Kate would have wanted me to move on with my life. Still, it was easier to wallow in self-pity than it was to go out and face the real world with a smile on my face. That got me thinking that everything in life is a choice. However, if that was true, than why did Kate take death over life? Was there something I could have done differently in those last few precious hours that would have changed the outcome of this battle?

With that I had waged a war against fate. I had to backtrack and do a little investigating. What was it about me that had forced Kate to choose death, if it really was her choice? I could assume nothing, but I did anyway. After all, assumptions usually led to the best and most logical conclusions. That and all things being equal, the simplest explanation tends to be the right one. I decided that choosing death rather than it being divine intervention was the simplest. Besides, Occam's razor had never let me down before, why would things be any different now? I sat there and drank the last of my coffee trying to put an end to the seemingly endless train of thought I had managed to derail and splinter into a million useless though devastating shards. I glanced at my watch and realized it was already lunch. I looked out the window and noticed it was still pouring outside. I grabbed the spare umbrella I kept in my desk drawer and decided to go for a walk to get my mind off of things for a while. I took the stairs down to the lobby and on the way down I stopped on the landing by Abby’s lab. Her music was blaring and I stopped to listen to the lyrics for a moment.

Love's icy tomb
Dug open for you
Lies in a cemetery that may use my name
Love's fiery tomb
From me to you
Rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding with
A smile on your face
Heal me
I begged and love said no
Leave me
For dead and let me go
Kill me
I cried and love said no
Kill me
I cried and love said no

Was the entire world out to get me? It sure felt like it sometimes. Especially on days like these. I continued walking down the stairs until I reached the front doors to the building. I walked outside and inhaled the damp air. I walked briskly down the path into the park across the street from the building. The gale force wind ripped the umbrella out of my grasp and whipped rain against my face. I pressed on without looking back. After a half an hour of walking relentlessly I stopped to take a breath. My lungs were burning from the cold air and tears mixed with the raindrops that ran in rivulets down my face. I headed back to NCIS in hopes of being able to there get my mind off of Kate but to no avail. I got back and realized that there were still no new cases. So much for that. Tony shot me a curious glance when he realized I was sopping wet.

"What happened to you?" Tony inquired.

"My umbrella got away but I figured hell, a little water never hurt anyone," I replied sarcastically.

I grabbed some spare clothes from my desk drawer and walked away before Tony could question me further. As I was changing I wondered what I could be doing instead had Kate survived the shooting. It was painful but somehow the more I thought about her, the better I felt… most of the time. I walked back to my desk and sat down at the computer. I stared blankly at the screen and realized that for a split seconds I hadn’t thought about Kate. Just thinking about that made me feel like I was forgetting her already. I couldn’t let that happen. She had only been gone a short while and I was already forgetting the small details. The way the sunlight glinted off of her soft mahogany hair and piercing green eyes, the sharp edge to her words, even her bright, effervescent smile. I hung my head and let a tear fall. Almost as quickly as I had given in to the impulse I snapped out of it.

The day passed slowly and the whole time my mind was filled with Kate. Everything somehow reminded me of her. I sped home after work and collapsed on the couch. I mourned for her deeply. So deeply, in fact, that the tears refused to flow. I had lost more than just a friend, an agent and a lover. I had lost a part of my own soul. The rain outside continued to fall ceaselessly. The rain inside of my heart thundered and resounded against my love for her. It was still there, still solid and nothing could change that.

That night I finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Nothing could have kept me awake. Though I fell asleep, my sleep was disturbed and shadowed by nightmares. I was haunted even subconsciously by Kate's ghost. I tossed fitfully while I slept but wouldn’t allow myself to wake up…

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Well there you have it, another chapter! Hope you like it like the other ones! More to come!

~Jules~

[Gibbs]

Another chapter! I think there are only two to go after this one! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: NCIS I no owney! The writing which Kate speaks in Gibbs' dream belongs to AFI. The "love is patient" etc. jazz belongs to the bible, Corinthians 13: 4-8 I believe. The song from Abby's lab belongs to Evanescence.

Chapter 5: Endless Dark

Kate stood in front of me, her face shadowed by a veil. The skin on her arms was deathly pale and the red fabric of her dress clung to her body tightly. I ran toward her but she moved further and further away with each step I took. She floated soundlessly over the ground. Suddenly I stopped moving. I couldn’t force myself to go on so instead I looked up at Kate pleadingly. Her head snapped up and she whispered pained words hoarsely.

"We held hands on our last night on earth.
Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees
Screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.
It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated
Along the bottom of the river.
So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and
The shattered seasons lay and the bitter smell of burning was
On you like a disease.
In our cancer of passion you said;
"Death is a midnight runner."
The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.
We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an
Antique wedding dress.
The echoes of the past broke like the hearts of the unborn as
The ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.
The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.
I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
If you would accompany me in a quick fall,
But you made me realize that my ticket wasn’t for two.
I rode alone.
You said,
"The cinders are falling like snow."
There is poetry in despair and we sang with unrivaled beauty,
Bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the
Flesh of the city.
The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and
The darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under emptiness and drifted slowly outward and
Somewhere in the wilderness we found
Salvation scratched into the earth like a message..."

I found myself gasping for air as I fought a losing battle against asphyxiation. I knew death was upon me and the fear was what was pushing me to fight. I watched in horror as Kate shrank back into the shadows of a forest filled with white trees. I tried to call out but my voice had been rendered useless. It was as if some unseen hand was slowly closing around my throat forcing me into the blackness. Finally I found I could fight no longer. I allowed myself to be drawn through the curtain between the worlds of the living and the dead. I sunk into the ground down to oblivion and felt myself being enveloped by the earth. My muscles protested every movement I attempted to make. I felt my heart slow to a stop as I exhaled my last just before I was swallowed by the ground...

I jerked awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with my heart racing and struggling to catch my breath. This particular nightmare had been haunting me since the day of Kate's funeral. I stood up and wandered around the house wishing that I would be allowed to sleep dreamlessly for just one night. Insomnia was looking better and better as an alternative. I was up most of the night trying to fall back asleep anyway. Even after drowning my sorrows in a cup of red eye the signs of sleep deprivation were visible. Even Abby and Tony were beginning to get concerned. Ducky suggested talking things over with someone, which meant he wanted me to open up to him. I knew he couldn't be sure of what those 'things' were, but he knew something wasn't right. The man had an amazing sixth sense. Right then I found myself regretting ever teaching my team how to recognize when someone was lying. They were getting too good at it.

I yawned widely and flicked on the coffeepot. I needed to clear my head and take my mind off of the sanguine images that haunted my subconscious. I sauntered over to the bedroom and opened the top drawer in the armoire across from the foot of my bed. I pulled out a dusty old leather-bound book. It was small and very dear to me. It was full of poems, quotes, thoughts and miscellaneous doodles. On of my ex-wives had given it to me as a wedding gift. It was her mother’s. Though my ex-wife and I hadn't gotten along very well, her mother and I got along famously. She told me to keep the book as a reminder of her after the divorce. I opened the book and flipped to a bookmarked page. I sighed and read the quote.

"Love is always patient and kind;
It is never jealous,
Love is never boastful or conceited;
It is never rude or selfish;
It does not take offense and is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth;
It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.
Love does not come to an end."

I gazed unseeingly at the page for a few minutes, contemplating, before the aroma of the fresh coffee reached my senses. I closed the book and stowed it away again before heading back into the kitchen. If love was supposed to be all of what the book described, than was what I had for Kate really love? I mean, I was jealous of her and Tony's 'brother and sister' love. I wondered if one element was missing if it could still accurately be described as love. Hell, there was no other word to sum up what I felt for Kate. Love was personal and meant something different to each and every person. What I had with Kate was still love.

It was then that I realized even if I did succeed in getting rid of the nightmares it would be a pyrrhic defeat. Losing Kate was a negative that far outweighed all of the positives, however one composed them. I sighed and realized that the nightmare combined with the coffee wouldn’t allow me to sleep any longer. Considering it was five o'clock it wasn’t much of a loss. I had to be at work by seven anyway. I rubbed my tired eyes before sauntering over to the bathroom. I took a quick, cold shower to wake myself up and got dressed. It had only taken me half an hour so I still had an hour and a half to kill. An hour and twenty minutes if I discounted the time it would take me to get to work. Thankfully not many people were on their way to work at seven in the morning on a Saturday. I decided to write a few thoughts of my own into the leather bound journal I had stowed away in the armoire. After all, even when fighting a losing battle the pen was mightier than the sword. I pulled out the book and set it on the desk in the study, flipping to a fresh page. My pen touched the paper and I wrote the first thing that came to mind.

Joie de vive.

Or rather a lack thereof. I remembered how happy Kate used to be. How much she enjoyed living life despite the stress that came with the job. Visions of her smiling face filled my mind and I shut the book again. I put it back in the armoire and wandered into the kitchen. It was no use. No matter how much I tried to get out some of my feelings and sort through them I couldn't do it. It was supposed to get easier to move on with time, but if anything it was just getting harder. I glanced at my watch and realized I still had an hour before I had to be at NCIS. I decided to get there early anyway.

I drove more slowly than I was used to on the way to work. It gave me time to compose myself. I stopped at Starbucks to pick up some coffee and then headed straight for NCIS. I parked my car and headed into the building. As I headed for the staircase I heard a voice echoing through the hallway, calling my name. I turned around and saw that Ducky had arrived seconds after I had. I waited as the coroner walked up to me.

"Good morning, Jethro," Ducky said cheerfully.

"Hey Duck," I replied.

"I see you're here early as well. Since there's not much you can do until the rest of the team arrives why don't you come down to the morgue and we can talk," Ducky suggested.

I nodded and followed him down the stairs to the basement. The autopsy room was cold and had an eerie feel to it in the dark. Ducky flicked on the lights and immediately the room was bathed in a bright orangey light. I looked around the room while Ducky walked to his office to put away his belongings. By the time he returned I had made myself comfortable on one of the cold metal dissection tables. I laid there and stared up at the ceiling, blinking away the intrusive light. I heard Ducky bustling around and preparing for another day of work.

"So why are you here so early, Jethro?" Ducky inquired.

"I couldn't sleep any longer," I admitted.

After all, it was what Ducky wanted; for me to be able to open up to somebody. I knew that though I felt like I was burdening him with my problems he would gladly bear the weight of the world on his shoulders for me. I thanked God and decided that I didn’t deserve to have friends as good as the ones I did but that I was glad I had lucked out anyway. Just then Ducky spoke again and jolted me out of my reverie.

"Insomnia, Jethro?" Ducky asked.

"Nightmares," I stated simply.

"Do you want to talk about them?" Ducky queried.

"Not particularly," I commented.

I looked over at Ducky and received and encouraging nod from the older man. I closed my eyes and tried replay the nightmare in my head. I remembered it perfectly but I was blocking out the visual effects. Sometimes I hated my brain. It had no right to block things from my memory without my permission. I sighed and began to describe the nightmare vividly from my memory.

"It starts off where I'm walking in complete darkness. I can't even see my own hands. It's almost like I'm just a floating pair of eyes. After I walk a ways I see Kate. Her face is hidden behind a veil and her skin is deathly pale. I start to run after her but she moves away from me too quickly. Suddenly she stops and I stop and she looks up at me. Her voice is hoarse when she speaks and the only thing words she says are some kind of a poem. It's about death and suicide. When she's finished I start to choke. I know I'm gonna die and I look to Kate for help but she draws away from me and disappears. The ground starts to open up and swallow me as I choke to death. I can't even move to save myself. The last thing before I wake up is always me taking my last breath and feeling my heart stop. Every time it happens I wake up and think I'm dead. I end up having to check my pulse or slap myself or something to make sure I'm actually still alive. I feel like I've faced death up close and personal and I can't close my eyes because the image of Kate is still burned into my retinas. After that I can't fall asleep again because of the adrenaline rush I get when I jolt awake," I explained slowly, painfully.

I continued to look up at the ceiling. I couldn't look Ducky in the eyes. I knew the sympathy I would find in them would be enough to convince me that the nightmares are justified. That wasn't the justification I needed. I needed the justification of love. After all, I was the only one who loved her enough to die for her be it in a dream or otherwise. Still there was that knowledge that I didn't want to die willingly. Did that mean I didn’t really love her? Or was it just that in the dream I was convinced she was my saving grace and at the last moment she was failing me? No, if anything I was failing her by not fighting enough for my life. I allowed a single tear to trickle down my cheek and splash onto the cold metal table. Finally I gathered up the courage to glance over at Ducky. He stood looking at me unblinkingly his eyes devoid of sympathy. I was thankful that Ducky understood that sympathy was the last thing I needed. Okay, second last. The last was pity.

"It's normal to have nightmares after facing a tragedy. I only hope that talking about it helps you to put the past behind you. After all, you can’t change the past but you can be optimistic about the future. I'm not sure how long it will take but I can promise you that this will pass, Jethro," Ducky said reassuringly.

I sat up on the table and swung my legs over the edge. I hopped down and turned to leave the room. I paused in the doorway to speak.

"Thanks for listening," I said quietly albeit sincerely.

I could feel Ducky's words more than I could hear them.

"Any time, Jethro," he whispered.

The bullpen was still relatively quiet when I arrived from the morgue. The mechanical whirr of the air conditioners could be heard in the background. I sat down at my desk and flipped pointlessly through a month old case file. I figured there had to be a way to stop the nightmares but I wasn't letting myself see it. I guessed I was being blinded by grief. I could never end this vicious cycle if I couldn't think clearly. To think clearly I needed Kate alive. Without her I couldn’t focus. I couldn't leave all of the petty details to someone else while I figured things out. There was no one to draw inspiration from. Without her watching my six with her SIG-Sauer drawn I couldn't sit still and just contemplate. My life had been immensely complicated by her death and I still felt as though I was to blame for everything that had transpired.

I had only been antagonizing myself a short while before Tony and McGee sauntered into the bullpen. Tony looked as though he hadn’t slept in ages, either. So did McGee, as a matter of fact. I sighed and turned to face them.

"Morning, Tony. McGee," I said stiffly. "Wow, you guys look like death on a stick."

Tony and McGee regarded me silently for a moment before reciprocating my appraising look.

"You're not looking too great, either, boss," Tony said cautiously. "You sure you're alright? I could go grab you some coffee..." He added as an afterthought.

I realized then that I had put the fear of God in him over the past few years. It wasn't necessary for me to treat him as an inferior anymore. We were equal in every way and I had always known that, but I had also always wanted Kate's approval. I had wanted for her to hold me in higher regard than Tony. It had taken me far too long to realize that I loved her and even then it hurt to know it had been through pain and guilt. Again I wondered whether it was actually love or just guilt. My soul longed for the opportunity of repentance to present itself.

"No thanks," I said quickly.

Not even the caffeine could pick me up on a day like this. I turned back to face the computer and briefly let my grief show. I recovered almost as quickly and got down to typing. I was still wrapping up bits and pieces of staff sergeant McLeod's case. It normally took a fifth of the time because I had Tony and McGee, as well as Kate, to help. That and I didn't have to face the pain and loathing I felt every time I saw that murderous beast's name.

I had finished typing another report and sank deeper into my chair. I felt strangely vulnerable without Kate around. She was truly my better half. Odd how easy it was for me to admit that to myself. Kate could pick up the details while I kept my finger on the pulse of the case. I found that she had been responsible for the majority of the work while I had only involved myself where it was convenient or necessary. Without Kate I was going to be buried alive within another week and then where would I be? Out of a job and wishing I was dead suffering from post-traumatic stress. I was snapped out of my trance by a soft background voice.

"I don't think that's such a good idea. Maybe you should just let him get through this on his own," McGee said sotto voce.

He was talking to Tony. About me. I shook my head and grinned weakly at McGee's attempt to save his and Tony's skins. I didn't know why he was so intimidated by me. It wasn't like I wanted to give off that kind of image. Not since I didn’t need to watch Kate's six anymore, anyway. Again I contemplated how I was lucky enough to have friends like Tony. I decided it must have been good karma. It looked like Tony had won the argument since I found him walking over when I looked up again. He reached my desk and looked at me with an assessing gaze, his hands knotted in front of him.

"Hey boss," Tony began.

I didn’t let him finish his sentence before interrupting.

"Stop calling me boss, Tony. Call me Gibbs. Or Jethro, if you're feeling lucky," I said jokingly in hopes of lightening the mood.

"Sorry, Gibbs. I was wondering if you wanted to come to lunch. McGee stood me up at the last minute and I thought you might want to get out of here for a while," Tony said questioningly.

I sighed and thought about it for a minute. There was no work to be done until another case came in so I didn't really have a good excuse to say no. I figured that Tony could use the company as much as I could to keep his mind off of Kate, so I agreed and decided to head home straight after lunch. After all, I needed the sleep. When opportunity knocks, I invite it in.

"Sure. McGee, you can have the day off. Not much we can do until we get a case to work on. I'll see you tomorrow morning," I said lightly.

Tony nodded and grabbed his stuff before we left, too. We walked down the stairs past Abby's lab. I walked in to tell her to take the day off and tell Ducky to ship out, too. I was assailed by loud music the second I opened the door.

I linger in the doorway of
Alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops as they’re falling tell a story...

Again the impulsive thought of spite reached my head. The world was caving in around me. Everywhere I turned blame was being laid on me in one way or another. Guilt tracked me like a phantom; hiding in the shadows whenever I turned to face it head on. I walked over to Abby and tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She nearly jumped out of her skin at my touch.

"Gibbs! You scared me!" Abby admonished.

"Sorry, Abbs. I just wanted to tell you that you can take the rest of the day off. There are no new cases so there’s not much we can do. Call Ducky and tell him to take the rest of the day, too," I instructed.

One of the old, pre-Kate's death smiles lit up Abby's features. I saw the tiniest glimmer of hope when I looked at her and thought that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out okay after all. I smiled at her one last time before walking back to where Tony was waiting for me on the staircase. I wondered about the recent dramatically decreased influx of cases. Why couldn’t someone die when it was convenient? When I needed some kind of a distraction to put an end to my seemingly endless contemplation and fitful sleep. Tony and I reached the parking lot and decided to meet at Rigoletto's for lunch.

The drive to the restaurant was devoid of music. I couldn’t even hear the robotic whirr of the car's engine or the monotonous flow of traffic sounds outside of the car over my jumbled thoughts. Trying to sort things out was not an option. All I could do was pray that things would arrange themselves. I quickly reached the restaurant and waited inside for Tony to arrive.

We chatted arbitrarily over lunch. I had never really thought about the kinds of things I could talk to DiNozzo about. After all, it used to be I had to shout to get a word in edgewise when he was engaged in bantering with Kate. The only things we ever really said to each other were dependant on professional matters. It was mostly me kibitzing over his shoulder on a case. Otherwise it was irrelevant, inane chatter. Topics like the weather, the economy and current events were popularly dominant. It was I who finally took the first step in instigating a deeper, more personal conversation, negating the need for us to feel awkward and uncomfortable in the circumstances. I was both shocked by and thankful for Tony's reluctance to talk about Kate as much as my own. I figured he probably wanted to get his mind off of her as well.

"You've taken to looking like a zombie lately, Tony. I know I probably don't look any better, but I'm wondering what's gotten your feathers all ruffled. I mean, if this keeps up, people are going to start wondering about us and about whether we've finally driven each other insane," I joked.

I was glad for the open ended choice of conversational topic. I decided to let Tony voice some colloquial opinions rather than thoughts. I laughed lightly and looked at Tony. His young features were marred by pain and fear. The dark circles under his eyes were in stark contrast to his paling skin. Kate had been his kryptonite as much as she'd been mine. Still was mine, actually, and probably always would be.

"No, I think they'd wonder why neither of us was getting any sleep, they'd peg us both for unattached and put two and two together," he said feebly.

Tony DiNozzo, always the joker. I laughed at his weak attempt at humor. He seemed more able to form rational responses and witty comebacks than I was. We talked for a while longer and left the restaurant. In the parking lot we stood by our respective cars. I watched as Tony unlocked his door and moved to get into the car. Before he had the chance I called out to him.

"Tony, remember that if there's anything you need to talk about I'm always here. Even if it's in the middle of the night. Odds are I won’t be asleep anyway," I called sincerely.

Tony smiled wanly and I could almost feel rather than see the tears stinging his eyes.

"Thanks, Gibbs," he replied gratefully.

It was like I had had an epiphany. It scared me. Suddenly I was showing a whole other side of myself to my coworkers. A side of me I myself didn’t know existed until recently. I was offering counsel to my team. I was seeing the man that used to threaten me more than a psychopath with a magnum as a saving grace. It was becoming a sickly twisted alternate dimension type world. My life had gone twilight zone on me.

I got home and climbed into the shower. The hot water cascading over my stiff neck and shoulders eased some of my pain and allowed tension to seep from my body and disappear down the drain. I was trying not to think about the pain. I focused instead on counting the number of tiles in the shower wall. The task had soon lost its entertainment and I turned off the tap. After drying off I changed into a comfortable pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I collapsed on the couch and stared blindly at the wall. Kate’s smiling face floated through my mind and this time I smiled rather than being reminded of the grief I felt. A weight had been lifted from my soul. It wasn’t much but it was a start. The self-loathing ebbed from my body and was replaced with acceptance. I closed my eyes and felt Kate’s memory touch the most intimate corners of my soul. I allowed her into my heart and decided to get out some of what I felt.

"Hey Kate. I don't know if you can hear me, but I’m saying this in hopes that you can. I still love you and I probably always will. I feel like I'm losing my mind, asking you for guidance. I need your help. I mean, how can I know what your last thoughts were. On me, on you, on us. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about you. I can't let it interfere with my life any more, but I can't help it. You left me hanging. Not that I blame you. I just want to be sure that I didn't do anything to discourage you from hanging on. Katie, I'm breaking down. Physically, emotionally, spiritually breaking down. I can't take a breath without hating myself for it. For being able to breathe when that precious gift was taken from you. I can't look into Abby's eyes without seeing the daggers that are piercing her fragile soul. She lost a sister in you, Katie. I'm letting myself cry over you because it's the only way I know how to express the things I can't say or can't think. Please, Katie, help me to let go of this melee of emotions and live my life again. I can't believe I’m going to say this but please, help me to let go of you..." I trailed off.

Tears flowed freely down my face and I had to stop and allow the sobs to rack my body. I so badly wanted an answer that I had conned myself into believing I would get one in some form or another. I sat there expectantly and I immediately began to berate myself for wanting to let go of her memory. It was the only way I knew how to move on. I had to forget all of the emotion, the love and the detail that went with her. Until then I knew I couldn't find peace. After all, I had heard once that admission was the first step towards healing. Here was my admission. I didn't want to love Kate any longer. It was a choice I would die rather than make, but I couldn't think that way. I didn't understand what had happened to my love for Kate. It was still there, ever present, ever obstructive and ever vigilant. Suddenly the emotional exhaustion overwhelmed me and I felt myself being drawn into sleep again. The same way I felt I was being drawn into death in my dreams. I allowed it to happen and felt myself let go. If this was death, it wasn't so bad. Unfortunately I knew that I would soon be woken by yet another nightmare. However, I treasured the precious few hours of uneventful sleep I could get.

Sleep was the counterfeit of death and I was willing accept that as my only choice for the time being...

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I hope you likey! More to come!

~Jules~